Flirting with Danger
by jmss7
Summary: Overlapping sequel to Season Two: "The Professor"; written in order to recover from the shock of Roy's cavalier attitude towards his marriage. Roy, how could you!
1. Chapter 1

Flirting with Danger

(Overlapping sequel to Season Two: "The Professor"; _written in order to recover from the shock of Roy's cavalier attitude towards his marriage. Some quotes verbatim from the episode. )Thanks to Kelmin for the technical fix. _

It was immensely flattering for paramedic Roy DeSoto to have a very beautiful young woman calling him up several times a day at the fire station where he worked. She'd even tracked him down at the hospital at least once, and she really was pushing him to see her on his time off. She knew he was married and had children, but it didn't seem to daunt her at all. That gave his ego a big boost. Let his partner Johnny scoff as much as he wanted, he wasn't dead or over the hill as far as girls were concerned. In fact, since the other day, he couldn't remember when he felt so alive.

Roy didn't know how to say 'I'm not interested' to this girl when really, he was. He'd been with his wife Joanne since high school and there weren't a lot of opportunities for him to meet women socially except through his work, so meeting Susan St John at that accident was one of those events that had the potential to change his life. He knew the right thing to do, but the way Johnny was needling him got his blood stirred to the point where even if he had been inclined to tell Susan otherwise, he was not going to tell her "thanks, but no thanks."

In fact, Roy was so irritated by John's attitude that for the first time he could remember, he told a lie to his partner. All the men were in the kitchen when he took the call, and he knew well enough that they would be talking about it behind his back, so he told them part of the truth – that Susan was feeling guilty, and that she felt she didn't want to hurt his family…but he left off the part about her saying, "I've tried and tried, but I can't get you out of my mind. I really want to see you again. There's something between us, don't you feel it?"

Roy responded, "Seriously, I appreciate it, and I understand too."

"Can I see you tomorrow at that coffee shop we met at after the accident? Same time?"

"All right, yeah. You take care, b'bye." Could the others hear the involuntary softness in his voice as he said that to her? He forced his face into a smile and said "Well, my wife's gonna appreciate that. She's just apologetically brushed me off." There, the lie was out. Would anyone catch him in it?

Johnny made some ridiculous comment about it only being gratitude that needed time to sink in, and despite himself, Roy reacted: "What sunk in is a very deep remorse after giving some thought to the fact that she could create a problem for my family." He could say that, because they had talked about it – both of them – their guilt and remorse that they might end up hurting others if things, well, progressed to a new level…then he added, wistfully, part of him wishing that it was true, "I guess she cared, so much, that she didn't want to cause any unhappiness." In reality, they couldn't stop seeking each other out, even if there was a very real danger of deep unhappiness if they continued as they were going.

* * *

><p>No one knew that he had met her on his first day off after the accident for a 'thank you' coffee at a little out of the way place she knew. There had been such a strong attraction from the very beginning, and she had set up the coffee date on one of her first phone calls to the station. He had rationalized that it was just a nice thing to do, that it didn't really mean anything….discounting the excitement he felt in seeing her again.<p>

He didn't remember what they had talked about – everything and nothing – but he remembered how he had felt – so intensely aware, so connected. As they were leaving the shop, she had given him a hug and a kiss, and it was like…what he imagined a hit of heroin must be like for an addict. All his senses took off with a whoosh and he couldn't think straight anymore, but oh, man, it felt so very, very good.

Since then, she was all he could think about, and it was like his family didn't exist – the only thing that mattered was getting more of that incredible feeling. It was obvious she felt that way too. They had become like two junkies, seeking for that next fix. It didn't need much either, at least not yet; just hearing her voice when she called for him at the hospital had given him a rush that carried him for most of that day.

When he was home, he was distracted, but then so was his wife Joanne, with a toddler getting into things and toilet training not going as smoothly as she had hoped. Chris wasn't sleeping in his own bed most nights, and it seemed there were messes continuously being cleaned up. It was hardly a romantic atmosphere. If he got a peck on the cheek he was lucky, as Joanne seemed to be so tired all the time, and always had one child or another in her arms or at her side.

He offered to take the kids to the park again on his day off, since he knew that if he did, later he could arrange it so that at the right time he would go off and do some 'errands'….and meet with Susan. So, after dropping them off at the house after the park, he told his wife that he had to go out for a while and get some things, and she didn't think anything of it, but asked him to pick up a few groceries for her as well.

He went to the stores and got the items on his list right away, and then drove past the coffee shop several times, arguing with himself. He didn't have a lot of experience with women, and for the first time he envied Johnny his wide knowledge. ….There she was, looking for him from inside the shop. Like a moth drawn to a potentially deadly flame, he went into the shop and was again blown away by the effect this woman could have on him.

He wanted to explain his life to her, but more than that, more than anything, he wanted to touch her…and have her touch him. They ignored their coffee until it grew cold and then he said, "Would you like to go for a walk? I know a nice trail not too far away…" And she smiled, and touched his arm, sending sparks and another drug hit to his system.

They drove in silence and to Roy it felt like they had always known each other. He parked at the head of the trail, and opened her door. As she got out, she stood very close to him. "Roy…" she breathed, and suddenly he was scared and said, "Let's walk." So they walked and it felt like the most natural thing in the world to take her hand. A flash of warning lights went off in his mind, a quick vision of Joanne at home with the two kids came and went, but this feeling was so overpowering it overrode everything else.

"I can't do this," his conscience made him say out loud. She whispered, "I know..." and then kissed his mouth ever so softly. Fire ran through his body, lit by her mouth on his, and caused him to groan, even as he registered how strange her mouth felt with its different lips and movement when compared to his wife. He was lost, and part of him exulted and rejoiced, '_This is what it's supposed to feel like, remember?_' and part of him cringed in horror, '_I am kissing a woman other than my wife – I am being unfaithful!_' But that feeling! It was so amazing! He kissed her in response, and his arms pulled her tight to him without his willing them…again that exultation and horror warred within his mind.

Someone started to jog past them on the trail, and they broke apart. But some boundary had been passed, the guard had been taken away, and now…they looked at each other with wonder. "I'd better get back," he managed to say and she nodded. Neither of them mentioned seeing each other again, but they both knew they would.

When Roy got home again, Joanne wondered what had taken him so long but never questioned his explanation. It made him feel even more guilty – and relieved. That night, in his mind it wasn't Joanne he held in his arms, it was Susan.

* * *

><p>He was oddly impressed with his hitherto latent powers of subterfuge. He was pretty sure no one at work noticed anything different about him next shift, but for him, it felt like everything had changed. Today, sometime, she would call, they would set up a meeting….and he would see her again.<p>

Only once did his guard slip, when he and Johnny were coming back from a run. John was going on and on about some new nurse when he seemed to catch on that his partner wasn't really listening to him. "What's up, Roy?"

"Huh? Oh, nothing. Just thinking about my days off."

"Did'ya do anything special?"

Roy almost guffawed at that, but just grinned and said, "No, nothing out of the ordinary."

"Huh. I just thought you looked kinda pleased about something."

"Really? That's interesting."

"Really? You don't sound like it."

Roy didn't rise to John's baiting and pretty soon John was back on his own tangent. Roy breathed a sigh of relief. If the one person who spent as much time with him as his wife couldn't tell, then he was safe. Then that twinge of conscience hit him again, and he almost told Johnny, before he remembered John saying things that implied he wouldn't be believed anyway. So, that was fine.

* * *

><p>It was a regular run - a woman had fallen at a restaurant. She was an employee who had become nauseated and collapsed while working in a basement store room. The other employees went down to help her and sent someone to call 911. Since she was pregnant they thought they should leave her where she was rather than move her.<p>

When Roy and Johnny arrived, the woman's helpers came upstairs to meet them and started to complain about feeling sick themselves. Based on their symptoms, Roy immediately hurried down the stairs to get the woman while John was still asking questions. "What the heck?..." exclaimed Johnny, and called for the engine company to join them for a possible CO leak. He then ran outside to grab his SCBA, while calling out to the people he'd been talking to, "Wait outside on the sidewalk. Thanks!"

Roy was in the basement checking the woman's vital signs, and was very concerned about her being so pregnant. He knew he couldn't get her up the stairs while unconscious without help, and started calling for Johnny. He looked around the basement. On the other side of the store room was a very old gas-powered incinerator that looked like it hadn't been maintained in years…and, he belatedly realized, was most likely disgorging CO at a very nice rate. His only concern was getting the woman out of this toxic environment immediately. "Johnny! NOW!" Where was he?

Johnny was struggling to get on his SCBA gear when the engine pulled up. He told Cap where Roy was and what he was doing. Cap was furious, and ordered John to get him out of there asap. When John showed up a minute later in the basement, Roy just said, "Let's get her out of here," and without any more conversation the two men carried the victim up the stairs and out onto the sidewalk. Marco and Chet were suited up and Roy told them briefly about the incinerator as the probable source of CO. They headed in to take care of the leak.

After stabilizing the woman, Johnny checked Roy's pulse, blood pressure and breathing rate. He didn't appear have any symptoms but Johnny still insisted that Roy ride in the ambulance with him and their victim, and asked Cap if Chet could drive the squad to the hospital.

Once in the Emergency, John asked Dr Brackett to check Roy. Brackett asked Roy if he had any symptoms of headache or nausea, and took blood for testing. When the results came back that he was fine, Roy smiled at his partner, and said, "See, all that stressing out for nothing. I knew I was okay."

Johnny narrowed his eyes at his friend, but didn't say anything except, "Thanks, doc. Appreciate it."

"Yes, well, I want to see you in a few days just the same, Roy. If you experience any symptoms, you get back in here right away, got it?"

"Sure, no problem."

"No problem," Johnny muttered under his breath. "I'll show you no problem."

After they returned to the station, Captain Stanley asked to speak with Roy privately in his office. The other men knew what was coming, even if Roy seemed oblivious. Chet spoke to Johnny as they walked to the dorm together. "Hey, man, what's up with your partner? I mean that was a crazy stupid stunt he pulled back there – something you would do, but not him."

"What do you mean, something I would do?"

"You know, Gage, not taking the time to weigh the consequences and just stormin' in…"

"Listen, you can't compare what I do to what Roy did back there. I don't know what's up with him either. It's like he's just, I dunno, really reckless all of a sudden."

"Yeah, like I said, something you would do."

"I would not…."

"Ah, let it go, man. Just forget it."

"No, I won't. So you think I'm reckless, do you?" The two men continued arguing as they entered the dorm, but it was completely without rancour.

Once Roy was in the office, Cap told him to close the door. Roy was surprised and not a little apprehensive. Cap never closed his door. "Sit down, Roy. I have something to say to you." He considered his senior paramedic carefully. "You have no idea why I want to talk to you, do you?"

"No, Cap, sorry, I don't."

"That alone tells me that this is something I need to deal with right away. Roy, you've been taking unnecessary risks – and you don't seem to realize it." He paused, and then looked Roy in the eye. "You're not invulnerable." Roy felt a frisson of fear and thought, '_He knows_.'

Cap continued, "Now, I don't know what's going on with you, but I know that you need to snap out of it right now. You went into a clear CO environment, with several people ill, without your air pack – what were you thinking?"

Roy's first reaction was relief that Cap wasn't telling him off for his relationship with Susan, and it barely registered with him that he was being told off for putting himself in danger. Lately he did feel invulnerable, and things worked out okay; actually better than okay when he thought about his last meeting with Susan…

Hank could tell that whatever was going on with Roy, he wasn't getting through to him. "For crying out loud, Roy, do you need me to spell it out for you? Even a minute's worth of CO at those concentrations could'a had serious consequences! One more stunt like that and I'm putting you on report!" He was so upset that he rose from his chair and started moving around his office. "You, of all people, should know better!" Cap continued, shocked that he had to treat this experienced firefighter like a first year. Roy just looked at him as if he was over-reacting. Cap said in disgust, "Go. Just…go. I'll talk to you later. But watch your step, DeSoto. I mean it."

* * *

><p>That night at the station Roy had difficulty getting to sleep. He wasn't thinking about his near-miss and Cap's reaction, he was piqued that Susan hadn't called, at least when he was around, and there were no messages. He knew nonetheless he'd be back at the coffee shop on his day off. He got out of bed and went to the kitchen and tried to read a book.<p>

Without other distractions, his conscience spoke up more forcefully. '_Do you realize what you are doing? What you're putting in danger? You could lose everything, your wife, your kids, your home, the respect of your friends and colleagues – and for what? Some girl you don't even really know who's got the hots for you and makes you feel like a hormonal teenager. What do you think is going to happen here? Anything good? You think of yourself as a decent man – is this what a decent man does? Kisses other women behind his wife's back? This is stupid and dangerous…you are going to get so burned, worse than any fire you've ever been in…_'

He got angry at himself, but instead of it motivating him to tell Susan that he wouldn't see her anymore, he found himself arguing in another vein altogether. '_It wasn't like I didn't try to let other people know what was going on – I mean I told Johnny, the others saw all the phone calls I was getting, they heard me say that I was having a hard time saying no to her – someone should have stepped in! Someone should have told me off when I was saying I would try to get together with her and when I said I wanted my privacy…_' but his conscience wouldn't let him get away with that one. He knew that it was his call, and it didn't matter what anyone else said or did.

When he had told Johnny that Susan was hung up on him, he didn't mention that it was mutual. Why had he told Johnny, anyway? What was he expecting? A pat on the back? Disgust? He certainly hadn't expected the derision he got, but you know what? That was just fine. It just made it that much easier…here his reasoning stalled, because the only thing that got easier was his ability to lie, and be unfaithful. He buried his head in his arms.

What a mess. He wouldn't go to the coffee shop again. He was stronger than this thing. He just had to stop thinking about how she looked, how she smelled and felt in his arms, how her mouth tasted…he groaned with desire and self disgust. It looked like he didn't even need to be physically in her presence now to get the high he craved. He was so screwed.

'_I thought you were an honourable man!_' Was it his wife's voice? His captain's? Johnny's? His own? He hadn't even realized that he had fallen asleep, but woke up still sitting at the station's kitchen table. He hadn't been asleep very long. Roy knuckled his eyes like a child would do. He recognized it was his own internal voice that was questioning his honour.

Suddenly, and for the first time, he had a real appreciation for all the addicts he and his partner had brought into Rampart, and the real suffering they experienced when they were trying to get clean. He wasn't a swearing man, but all kinds of foul language started going around in his head. It seemed that he really didn't know himself very well after all. Swearing, running around behind his wife's back….what else was he capable of doing? He went back to bed. Even if he didn't sleep, there wouldn't be the questions he wanted to avoid if he was there when everyone else got up.

* * *

><p>The next day at home he did a lot of work around the house, checking off several outstanding tasks from Joanne's 'to do' list. She was very grateful, and wondered at his sudden energy. The truth was that he was trying to keep so occupied that he wouldn't think about Susan; meeting Susan, kissing Susan…it didn't really work since he noticed that he was checking the time frequently, and more and more often as it got closer to 'their' time to meet…he wasn't going to go. Not this time. He was going to stay home with his family.<p>

Then…"Do you need anything at the store?" he called to Joanne after the clock hit 10 minutes past the hour. Damn. Well, he'd just drive by and see if she was there, tell her to go home if she was…

When he drove by, he saw that Susan wasn't in the shop; she was outside it, looking a bit lost. He had to stop. It wasn't fair to have her stand there like that. He pulled up and her face lit up like a theatre marquee. She leaned into the car, and said in a low voice, "I was so afraid you weren't coming." All his fragile resolve dissolved, and he said to her, "Get in."


	2. Chapter 2

Flirting with Danger part 2

Roy and Susan drove for a few minutes and then he parked the car on a ridge overlooking the city. "We've got to talk," he said as he turned to face her, but she was on him, kissing his face, his neck, stroking his arms, his chest, and there was nothing else in the world but her and his need. A voice in the back of his mind cried out, '_No, no, stop this! Stop it now, before it's too late!_' but his hunger, this heroin rush, was pounding through his blood, and he couldn't listen to the voice. It was too painful to even think about stopping – like preventing a starving man from eating.

And then, the strangest thing happened, something he could never explain. As clear as a bell he heard his daughter's voice calling, "Daddy!" sharply, as if she were in distress. He pulled away from Susan's embrace, and as she protested, he said to her, "Shhh! Listen!" Susan looked around in confusion. They were alone, there was no one around. She tried to explain this to Roy, but he shook his head, "I heard something. Someone."

His heart was racing, his breathing was quick and heavy but miraculously, his head was as clear as if someone had poured ice cold water on it. He was sure he'd heard his little girl needing him. He looked at Susan, dishevelled and with her blouse slightly undone. Had he done that? God, what on earth was happening to him?

"We gotta go," he stated, and she could tell there was no arguing with him. As he drove, her hand crept over and began to caress his thigh, but he put it back in her lap, firmly. "Roy…" she said huskily, and he glanced over at her beautiful face, with its full mouth and long lashed eyes. He swore to himself and shook his head 'no'.

Somehow, his daughter had reached out to him, and though he wanted nothing more than to stay with Susan and….he wasn't at the place yet where he could say right out what he wanted, but it was pretty clear where all this was headed...more than his physical need for this woman, he needed to be with his daughter and make sure she was all right.

As he dropped her off back at the coffee shop he said, "Susan, you told me at first that you were attracted to me because you thought I was nice. What we're doing – what _I'm _doing – isn't nice." She tried to expostulate with him, but he shook his head. "I'm not going to be here again. Take care of yourself. I'm sorry." He pulled away from the curb before she could argue away his wavering willpower. He could see her crestfallen face in his rear view mirror. _Damn it, Roy, who the hell do you think you are?_

When he got home, he noticed that Joanne was looking a little bit stressed. Jenny ran to her father, and held onto him tightly. Joanne said, "I'm so glad you're home, Roy. We really missed you. Jenny fell down and although she wasn't really hurt, she just needed her daddy. I guess I just don't have your magic touch."

Ouch. That got to him. He sat down with his daughter and cuddled her for a few minutes, and got her to tell him about her fall. Soon she was smiling and laughing again and kissed his cheek several times. She rubbed her nose on his, and then looked at him curiously. "You smell dif'r'nt, Daddy." It hit him like a slap. She then stated, "I love you," in the way that children have that shows total trust and acceptance, and crawled down off his lap. Joanne looked over at him lovingly and said, "Ah, the magic of daddy. He makes everything all right."

He smiled the best he could, and went immediately to the washroom. He looked at himself in the mirror. '_You smell different, Daddy_.' He put his hands to his face, and inhaled the scent of Susan's skin on his hands. He could hear his wife calling sweetly to the children to be careful in the backyard. He gripped the sides of the washbasin for a moment, and then began fiercely to wash his face, his hands, his arms…and then changed his shirt, throwing it into the laundry. If only he could wash his guilt away.

* * *

><p>The next shift there was an accident – the kind that always left feelings of failure among the men. The call went out first thing in the morning. Two teenage boys, heading off to school in an old jalopy of a car, sped up to try and pass an eighteen wheeled truck on a two lane highway so they wouldn't be late for classes. They didn't see the car in the other lane until it was on top of them, because the sun was just at the wrong angle. The old car's steering failed when the young driver tried to wrench the steering wheel around – the cracked rod broke and the steering wheel spun uselessly in his hands.<p>

In the other car was a young woman heading to work. By a strange twist of fate, she worked in the same office as the mother of one of the teens. She didn't even have time to step on the brakes when the car hit her straight on, and both vehicles, as if embracing, careened into the truck beside them.

When the squad and engine got there about seven minutes after the collision, it was already too late for the boys, and it was their mangled bodies that would have to be removed…in pieces. The woman had a crushed pelvis, her legs were shattered, her head was injured…and she was pregnant with her first child. There was no way the baby could have survived. The truck driver needed treating for shock, and stood on the side of the road unable to speak coherently, horror and confusion etched onto his face.

The situation was complicated even more by the boy's mother arriving on the scene almost immediately following, while things were being dealt with, as she was heading to work as well. She recognized the cars, and before anyone could stop her, she was out of her vehicle, and standing in the middle of the road, screaming in out-of-control terror. Roy got permission to give her a sedative and have her transported to the hospital in the same ambulance as her friend. The truck driver was sent in a second ambulance.

No one could shake the images of the youths, and Roy, sitting with the victims in the back of the ambulance, had to deal with trying to keep one woman alive, while the other one was beside herself with grief. He didn't know how to consol her. There was nothing that was 'okay' about any of this. He asked Rampart if there was any more medication he could give her, but Brackett said no. He tried to centre himself and concentrate on what he could do, but it was very, very difficult.

When the squad returned to the station, Captain Stanley called all the men together and made them all get a cup of coffee, whether they wanted it or not. He then got them to sit down on the couch and soft chairs over by the blackboard.

"Okay, men. I've taken us out of circulation for a bit. We need to debrief what happened at that accident." No one spoke. One of the hardest things was that first mention of the trauma…once it was breached, then the words began to flow more smoothly, but it was that initial acknowledgement that almost physically hurt. It wasn't department policy to debrief the men, at least not yet, although it was being discussed in some circles. Hank had gone through combat situations in the army and he knew the value of sharing stories about critical events in preventing secondary symptoms of depression and other mental health issues.

"C'mon, gentlemen, we were all there. We need to do this. Tell me what you saw, and what you felt. I'll go first." Wisely and kindly, Cap led his crew through revisiting the accident – and the frustration, revulsion, anger, fear, and other emotions that arose as a result.

It was Roy's turn to share. "I think what I'm mostly aware of right now is the temporariness of being alive. It could happen to us, sure, but….we just don't know, we might turn a corner, like that mother, and see our loved ones…" His throat became constricted. Joanne. Chris. Jenny. Funny, he had rescued Susan from a car accident, why hadn't he thought of her?

"You want to continue, Roy?" asked Cap. Roy shook his head. "Okay, we'll come back to you later if you want."

It took about an hour before Cap called dispatch to change their status back to 'available.' He planned to do another follow-up in a few days. It was hard, but necessary, and far less trouble than having a man or two go out on leave because he just couldn't face another run. Besides, he cared about these men very much, and felt that he owed it to them to guide them through these difficult situations.

That evening, the television was on after supper. The need to distract themselves was very strong. Roy found that the show just wasn't catching his interest and wandered into Cap's office. He looked at the books on the shelves. In addition to the expected literature, he saw that Captain Stanley or one of the other captains had placed a few personal books there as well; a couple of crime novels, a biography or two, and a book of poems by Robert Frost.

He pulled it out and began flipping through it. He came across a poem he vaguely remembered from high school and read: '_Some say the world will end in fire, Some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire, I hold with those who favour fire..._' Those words began to circle round and round in his mind…_'from what I've tasted of desire… the world will end in fire…_'

* * *

><p>He was with Joanne and the kids at the park, trying hard to be present with them and not be distracted. He was pushing Jenny on the swing when he saw her. It couldn't be, but it was. He had told her about bringing his family to the park, and she had come to find him there. His head reeled and his heart started to race. She smiled, waved and came towards him, as Joanne asked, "Who's that, honey?"<p>

"Uh, her name is Susan St John, I believe. Chuck and I responded to a car accident she was in a while ago. It wasn't much," he shrugged.

Susan came up to him smiling broadly. "Roy! How nice to see you! Thank you again for all you did for me." She looked at him inquiringly, daring him to introduce her to his wife.

He was amazed at her audacity, and impressed with her tenaciousness. He was also highly flattered. She just wasn't going to give up on him. She looked so very good…it looked like her halter top sundress was all she was wearing…Joanne interrupted his runaway thoughts, "Honey, aren't you going to introduce us?"

"Miss St John, I'd like you to meet my wife, Joanne. Joanne, this is Susan St John, the woman from the car accident I told you about." Well, told about just this second, but Susan didn't need to know that.

"A pleasure, Joanne." Man, she sure could pile on the charm! What the heck was she doing? Joanne smiled back, and shook the other woman's hand.

"Well, it was very nice bumping into you; perhaps I'll see you again sometime? Take care," Susan called over her shoulder as she walked away, every man's eyes trailing after her, either overtly or in stolen glances.

Joanne's eyes were wide. "Wow. She's stunning. Although I don't know how appropriate that dress is to wear to a park…it's a good thing Johnny wasn't with you on that run or he would have been all over her like jam on toast."

That last phrase shook him out of his state of shock, and he looked at Joanne and gave a little laugh. "Jam on toast? Where did you get that?"

"I don't know – I must have heard it somewhere. It seemed appropriate." He smiled at her, a genuine, I see you, I know you, smile, and she smiled back, and then spontaneously kissed him on the mouth.

After they got home from the park, Joanne put the kids down for a nap, and asked Roy if he'd like to join her for a nap as well. It was an invitation he wouldn't normally refuse, but this time, he just kissed her and left her with her book, saying that he had a couple of things he wanted to take care of first, "…but save me a place," he smiled reassuringly.

He went out to the garage and sat in the car for a bit. He knew without her having said anything that Susan was waiting for him at the coffee shop. He wouldn't go. He'd just drive by. He'd tell her off for that stunt just before at the park. He'd tell her to stay away in no uncertain terms. He started the ignition and drove off.

Joanne heard the car start, and for the first time, disquiet entered her mind. Why was he always taking off alone lately? It couldn't have anything to do with that woman they had accidentally met in the park today, could it?


	3. Chapter 3

Flirting with Danger part 3

Roy arrived at the shop, and just like the previous time, she was waiting outside for him. He felt honoured, despite himself. He knew that most men would be jealous of him being wanted by this woman. And she had proven that she wanted him, without question, no matter what. He parked the car as she started walking towards him, and got out. "Susan…." he began, but she put her fingers on his mouth.

"Shhh. I have something for you."

"What?"

"Hold out your hand." He did and she placed something in it and closed his fingers over it while kissing his mouth. That fire of desire licked at his lips and traveled down his spine – a painful pleasure. Involuntarily he responded; his mouth and arms took on a life of their own whenever she touched him. _No. Stop_, a part of his brain called out feebly. As he released her from his embrace she murmured in his ear, "There. Take a look."

He opened his hand and in his palm was a key. "What's this?" he asked.

She smiled and said, "I've booked us a room." Her hands started moving over his chest again, but this time, mixed in with the rush of desire that threatened to overpower him, he felt sick to his stomach, and seriously thought he was going to throw up. Oh. My. God.

"No," he croaked, and tried to put the key back into her hand. She looked at him with a half-smile, genuinely confused. "No, Susan, I will not do this." He tried again to give her the key, but she shook her head that she didn't want it.

"What do you mean?" she asked, suddenly not as sure of herself.

He saw himself as she saw him, how he had never really protested her advances, how he had responded to all of her caresses…it was natural for her to think that he was going to do this. At that moment, he hated and despised himself so deeply that if the earth would have swallowed him up and taken him straight to hell he would have said it was only what he deserved.

He fought to get his nausea under control and removed her hands from his chest, holding them firmly at arms' length. "This ends now, Susan. I am sorry my actions led you to think differently, but I love my wife. Don't call me. Don't come to my work or anywhere where you know I'll be."

Her beautiful eyes filled with tears, and he wanted nothing more than to take her back into his arms. He had nothing to offer her but, "You deserve a man who can be there for you completely, and I can never be that man." She shook her head, but he was adamant. He dropped the key onto the sidewalk at her feet, and walked back to his car.

"No, Roy, please, I'm sorry, we can take it slower, I don't want to lose you…"

He opened the driver's door and said, "You never had me to lose, Susan. But my wife does."

* * *

><p>When he got home, he sat in the car without moving. He was there so long that eventually Joanne came out to find him. "Honey, you all right? Why don't you come inside?"<p>

He forced himself to answer her, but could only say, "I'll be in soon."

She came around to the other side of the car and opened the door. "May I sit down?" He just shrugged. "Can you tell me what's going on?" He shook his head 'no'.

"Has something happened? You're scaring me."

He cleared his throat. "I, uh, had a rescue a while ago that's, uh, kinda bothering me."

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

"Not yet."

She didn't look at him when she asked, "Does this have anything to do with that woman in the park today?"

He looked at her with surprise, "What?"

"I was wondering if the reason…I mean, if there was something about her that…I don't know, Roy…"

He tried to be kind but there was no way he could talk to her right now. "Please go back inside the house, Joanne. I'll be in. I just need some time – alone."

She nodded sadly and got out of the car. She looked at him wistfully over her shoulder as she went back inside, saying, "Don't be too long. Remember, we love you."

He sat there doing some real soul searching. He had never once even thought about saying no to Susan when she was calling him and trying to get together with him. He used Johnny's incredulity to fuel his inclination to see her, and claimed his right to privacy when anyone even looked at him funny regarding his relationship with her. He treated the situation like it was a gift, and left it up to Susan to decide where it would go, without any regard for his family, friends or colleagues.

What a selfish, self-centered bastard he really was. Was his ego really that fragile that he had to prove himself a man by having an affair? No, that wasn't it. It was the drug-like attraction that over-rode all his common sense and decency. Apparently it was a façade that he had built up – that of being an honorable family man – and it took hardly any pressure at all for everything to come tumbling down.

He had been sitting in the car so long that soon Joanne would be coming out looking for him again. He sighed and slammed the car door as he got out. The rest of the evening he despised himself even more for treating his family as if they were the cause of his withdrawal and short temper. He couldn't wait to get back to work.

* * *

><p>Was it Roy's imagination, or were there a lot of serious fires around the area lately? He'd have to check the stats, but it sure seemed like every other shift in the past month involved a structure fire with at least two alarms. While his partner was working hose with Marco nearby, he was checking the ancient porch of the old farm house, testing the floor boards with his feet. Without warning the whole thing collapsed into the stone basement that was already weakened…and the wall fell onto Roy, pinning him down and ripping off his face mask. The building immediately became destabilized, and in danger of collapsing as well.<p>

Marco and Johnny called for him repeatedly, but they couldn't get to him – in order to get to where he was trapped, they would have to shore up the foundation nearby and prevent the rest of the floor from joining the porch in the basement. The stones were very large and heavy and Roy couldn't dislodge them off his legs and lower body. The stone that had ripped off his mask had landed on his shoulder, and he could tell by the way it hurt that his upper arm was broken. Timbers and boards lay on top and all around him, mixed in with the stones. He couldn't get to his face mask where it lay beside his pinned arm – it was cracked anyway. He would just have to wait to be dug out.

He hurt in a lot of places, and thought he might pass out from the pain, but he fought the feeling with all his might – there was hardly any breathable air due to the fire raging above his head in the part of the house that had not yet collapsed – he needed to keep his wits about him, to be able to call out to his rescuers and let them know where he was, what he needed…

On the other side of the collapsed porch, the men of Station 51 were joined by their brothers from stations 35 and 110. First a plan had to be made that would ensure the safety of the rescuers, and stabilize the faltering walls. Johnny was itching to get in there and start digging, but Captain Stanley was adamant – there would be no additional trapped or injured firefighters due to carelessness or being unprepared.

Roy tried to distract himself from his pain and anxiety by imaging the operations up top. They would be meeting to make a plan, they would be securing the unstable structures, they would be assigning tasks…the air was getting very thin of oxygen. He was finding it difficult to focus…he recognized that he was starting to have bronchospasms and had to concentrate to slow down his breathing; the pain was coming in waves and it was getting harder to fight the need to just let go and succumb to the darkness that clawed at the edges of his eyes…as the minutes ticked on he began to realize that this might be it – he might not make it out this time…

They say your life flashes before your eyes, but it wasn't his life that started to arise, it was the feeling of Jenny's little arms around his neck and her saying, "I love you, Daddy." It was sitting with Chris on his lap reading a story about cars and trucks with his son's small head sleepily leaning on his chest…it was Joanne holding their newborn child in her arms, her face flushed from labour and her eyes full of love… whispering that she loved him as she lay in his arms…

The only thing he wanted in the whole world was to be able to see her and their children, to hold them once again. Nothing else mattered. '…_from what I've tasted of desire…the world will end in fire…_' It looked like his world was about to end, in a fire. '_Jo….I'm sorry…_' he thought but then he coughed spasmodically and involuntarily his eyes closed…and they didn't open again.


	4. Chapter 4

Flirting with Danger part 4

It was just over twenty very long minutes since the collapse when the rescuers finally reached Roy. The thing that saved him was his broken air mask lying nearby, leaking just enough oxygen to keep his lungs from shutting down, to keep his brain functioning.

Roy awoke with surprise that he was still alive. He recognized the smells first – plastic tubing and oxygen, antiseptic cleaners…Rampart. Keeping his eyes closed, he did a quick mental run through. '_I can think… no obvious brain damage. I can smell, I can hear machines…heart monitor, O2 pump…I feel bandages on my shoulder, I can feel my arms and hands…and, thank God! I can feel my legs and feet. Though maybe I don't really want to,'_ he added, as his awareness of pain increased with his mental alertness. He tried to shift his weight, but very quickly realized that was a bad move. He groaned involuntarily, and heard several people move closer.

"How ya feelin', buddy?" _John_.

"Well, Roy, you sure gave us quite the scare." _Dixie_.

"Roy, open your eyes." _Dr Early, wanting to check his pupil reaction_.

He opened his eyes, and the light stung so sharply that he quickly shut them again. Dr Early gently chided, "You'll have to do better than that. Come on now, Roy."

He groaned again. '_Leave me alone. You're asking too much_.' As if he had spoken aloud, Early replied, "Roy, I need to see your eyes, you know that." He opened his eyes again, tentatively.

"Atta boy!" '_John, enough_.'

He took a deep breath and was stopped by the pain and sudden need to cough…each spasm tore through his lungs like knives ripping through the damaged tissues, he could feel each rib individually, his shoulder was aflame, his abdomen convulsed, his leg erupted in agony…he knew that all his muscles were attached together because everything hurt, everywhere.

"Ah, ah, ah!" He couldn't even speak, just gasp.

"Take it easy, Roy. Now that you've regained consciousness, we can start taking care of your pain better," Dr Early reassured him. '_I prefer unconsciousness_.' Again it was like Early could read his mind. "Of course, you probably don't feel like you want to be conscious right now, but there's someone here who has been waiting to see you."

Roy's battered heart leapt. Joanne. His sweetheart. His wife. Then, in a moment of panic, he thought, '_What if it's not? I was so cold to her before I left. God, what if it's Susan? What will I do?_' He rasped out, "Who?..." and the others looked at him, confused. Who would he be expecting, if not his wife?

"Maybe his mind got affected, doc?" '_Trust John to think that_.'

"I'm going to let her in, she's been waiting long enough," said Dixie. She went outside for a moment, and then came back with Joanne. Roy visibly relaxed, and when she smiled at him, he was able to give her a small answering smile. Her eyes always became more green when she was emotional, but he had never seen them this intense. Ah, what had he done to this lovely, sweet woman?

"Oh, Roy, thank God you're all right."

He grinned as much as he could through his discomfort. That was a firefighter's wife speaking; if you were alive, you were all right. She blinked back her tears, so relieved to finally see him.

* * *

><p>He was in the hospital over two weeks, a record even for him. Without telling Dixie anything, he asked if visitors could be restricted to family and Station 51 only. The nice thing about Dixie was that she didn't ask questions. She seemed to know instinctively when she wouldn't get answers, and didn't press. Although she didn't really think it was necessary, she honoured his request by putting a notice in his file at admissions. If anyone else, say Susan, wanted to come by his room that should block them. He hoped.<p>

It was necessary for his peace of mind and healing - after what happened at the park, he didn't trust that Susan wouldn't just show up at the hospital, even when his family was there. And, worst case scenario, what if Chet or one of the other guys was there visiting when she came by? Then the proverbial excrement would hit the ventilator.

Fortunately, Susan didn't show up, and he didn't ask if she'd been looking for him. That last time, when she had offered him…everything he'd wanted...and it had made him physically ill, that was a turning point for him. She still crossed his mind many times each day, but with the pain and discomfort he was experiencing it wasn't like he was lingering on lustful thoughts. Joanne spent the majority of her days by his bedside – bringing him homemade food, distracting him, and caring for him. She was so nice, and kind, and sweet. She loved him, and had done so since they were kids. How could he have forgotten?

When he was finally discharged he had a cane and a walking cast, and was scheduled for physiotherapy on both his shoulder and his right leg. He had to keep his shoulder out of use by keeping it in a sling, but the physiotherapy had to start as soon as possible so he would regain mobility in the joint. It was a delicate dance of healing, and he was going to be off for awhile, recovering.

* * *

><p>The Sunday after he came home, Joanne said that she wanted to attend church. He knew that she was feeling so thankful he was home that she needed to go to a service as part of her emotional healing. He decided to go with her. It would be easier for her to bring the kids that way, and he felt some vague need to go too.<p>

As they walked into the church, Roy leaning on his cane, his bad arm held stiffly at his side, he saw the looks of commiseration from some of people there, the curiosity from others. Joanne knew these people better than he did. Several women came up to her and said things like "So glad for you and your family that he's all right," "We've been praying for you, dear."

She thanked them graciously, and sat down with the children in a pew. He sat on the end, where he could stick his sore leg into the aisle and prop it up slightly on his cane. One of the ushers came up to him and said, "Don't worry about getting up and down, Mr DeSoto. We'll work around you. And you don't have to stand for the hymns if you don't feel up to it." He nodded, not sure if he was grateful or irritated by the man's solicitude.

"Are we faithful?" intoned the minister from the pulpit. "Do we remain true to the promises we have made to God and to each other? When we give our word, can others trust that we mean what we say? Will we withstand the temptation to do what is easy instead what is right? Let us be as was Joseph in Egypt. He was a young man with great talent and ability, beloved of his father, sold into slavery by jealous brothers.

"Still, he was faithful to his God and what he knew to be right. He rose to a position of trust in his master's house, overseeing the whole household. He was young, strong, intelligent, and handsome. Despite being a slave, he had it all. His master's wife thought so, and she desired him greatly. Let us read in Genesis, chapter 39, beginning at verse 7: And it came to pass after these things, that his master's wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said: 'Lie with me.'" Roy began to squirm in his seat. Joanne looked over at him in concern, and he just grimaced and fidgeted as if it were his injuries paining him.

The minister continued, "'But he refused, and said unto his master's wife: 'Behold, my master, having me, knoweth not what is in the house, and he hath put all that he hath into my hand; he is not greater in this house than I; neither hath he kept any thing from me but thee, because thou art his wife. How then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God?'"

"Here is the righteous man – when faced with temptation, he thinks of his God." The minister continued, "Let us read on, in verse 10: 'And it came to pass, as she spoke to Joseph day by day, that he hearkened not unto her, to lie by her, or to be with her.'

Imagine, you have great responsibility, and every single day you are being tempted, tempted…" He looked out over the congregation. "It may not be a beautiful woman pleading with you to lie with her, but we are surrounded every day by temptations just as strong, trying to take us away from being faithful to our God."

Roy was now so uncomfortable from what he was hearing from the pulpit that if he could have run out of the church he would have. _'I can use the excuse that my leg is paining me – which is true. Could someone have set me up?'_ he thought. He looked around the congregation, wondering if there was someone there who had seen him with Susan and somehow told the minister he was going to be there that day. He knew that was impossible, as he and Joanne had only decided to attend that morning, but it felt like a conspiracy.

The minister began his conclusion, "Everyone here has made promises, and God is witness to them – are we keeping those promises despite temptations? If you are having difficulty with things that are tempting you away from God, then turn away from them now." Roy didn't catch the rest of the sermon, because he was distracted by the way his heart hurt, and his mind was whirling with the realization that never once while he was with Susan had he thought about the promises he had made to Joanne before God on their wedding day.

After the service, he was one of the last ones out of the church. Again, his bad leg made a good excuse. Joanne was in the parking lot talking with some friends, and the minister was turning to go back into the church when Roy reached out to shake his hand. "I want to thank you for your message, Reverend."

The other man looked at him closely. "Roy DeSoto, isn't it?" Roy nodded. "It's very good to see you here today. I understand you've been through a rough time lately."

Without warning, Roy was shocked to feel his eyes stinging with emotion. He blinked, and didn't know how to respond. "Uh, yeah…"

The perception of the minister was acute. "Would you like to drop by my office sometime and have a chat? Just a get to know you type thing."

Roy was surprised to find himself nodding. "I'd like that."

"When are you free? I've got some time tomorrow afternoon, if you're available."

"That would be fine."

"Great. I'll see you then. Enjoy the rest of your day."

"Thanks. You too."

Joanne wasn't really surprised when Roy told her that he was going to be meeting with the minister on the following afternoon. "I think it might be good for you, Roy. Sometimes talking to someone who doesn't know you very well can help you get a new perspective on things."

Roy tilted his head slightly and looked at his wife. "You think I might need a new perspective?"

"I'm just saying that sometimes it can be useful." She came and sat down beside him. "You really have been through a lot lately, and I can see you are having a bit of trouble getting back on your feet…" he grinned and raised an eyebrow at her, while raising his cane slightly. She gave a light laugh, "You know that's not what I mean." She sighed. "Something's changed, Roy. And I don't know what it is or how to change it back. Maybe it's a good thing, and maybe it's not. Anyway, I just feel it would be good for you to talk to someone who's not a doctor or a fireman."

"New perspective," he repeated. She nodded, and patted his knee, as she rose to go back and finish preparing their meal.


	5. Chapter 5

Flirting with Danger part 5

The following afternoon, he was in the minister's office holding a cup of coffee, a plate of cookies at his elbow. "What made you become a minister, Reverend?"

"Call me Neil. I wanted to help people. What made you become a fireman?"

Roy grinned, "Okay, I guess I asked for that."

"No, Roy, I'm just kidding you. I hear your real question."

"And what's that?"

"Why have I dedicated my life to God?"

"Uh, yeah," he answered, surprised at the man's insight and his own recognition that it was his true question.

"Are you looking for faith, Roy?"

Roy shrugged. "I don't know what I'm looking for."

"Well, most of us are either looking for something to believe in or something that can help us get back on track when we've fallen off." Roy sighed involuntarily. "Is that it? Have you fallen off track somehow?"

"Neil, I used to think I knew myself pretty well. Now…"

"Is this since your injury?"

He shook his head, "Before that."

"Did something happen?"

Roy paused, and then asked, "Is all this confidential? Like with a priest?"

Neil smiled, "I have a different title, but I consider myself to be a priest of God, and certainly hold myself to the same standards of confidentiality."

"This isn't how I pictured things." He pointed to the coffee and cookies.

"But I'm guessing it's answering a need, just the same?" Roy shrugged noncommittally. Neil continued, "Confession is actually good for the soul, Roy. It's not a platitude. It really does help."

Roy didn't look at the other man as he stated flatly, "I'm ashamed of who I am."

"Who you are or what you've done or not done? There is a distinction to be made, you know."

"Okay, what I've done, but it feels like who I am."

"I'm sure it does." Roy was silent. "Take your time." Neil sipped his coffee and took a bite of a cookie.

After a long moment Roy began, "A while ago, my partner was off sick and the station responded to a traffic accident. It was pretty routine stuff, but we had to use the jaws, you know what they are?" Neil nodded, and Roy continued, "Yeah, so we had to use the jaws to free this young woman who was stuck in her car. She was very grateful, and, uh…" He took a deep breath. "She was more than grateful – and she was beautiful and she wanted to meet with me, and… and I wanted to meet with her."

Neil just nodded, not saying anything. Roy said, "Right. So at first it was just a coffee, y'know, to say 'thanks' but then it became 'can I see you again?' and she was calling me all the time, and…" he blew out his breath slowly, "I wanted to be with her so badly. It was all I could think about. I started being a bit reckless at work and at home I began sneaking around behind my wife's back to meet her…"

Neil waited for a moment and when Roy didn't continue, he asked, "Did you sleep with her?"

Roy shook his head. He felt so ashamed. He looked at the ground when he said, "But we did get pretty physical. And she wanted me to sleep with her."

Neil started to chuckle, and Roy looked up from his feet in surprise. Neil was shaking his head in amazement, "Man, you must have thought I was gunning directly for you yesterday!"

Roy grinned, "Yeah, it crossed my mind."

"Funny thing, inspiration. I guess someone knew exactly what you needed to hear and when you would be around to hear it."

"Someone, meaning God?"

Neil shrugged. "That's what I would put it down to, but you may have other ideas." Roy's smile faded as his thoughts returned to what he and Susan had done. Neil leaned forward and said, "Listen, Roy, I'm not going to impose my beliefs on you. I'm not here to judge you, but if you want, I can give you some advice."

"I think I'd like that."

"Okay. First, you gave into temptation, like the rest of the human race. Despite what you feel, it's not the end of world. I think it's a good sign that you feel so terrible about this – it means you'll probably be better protected the next time something comes along trying to throw you off." Neil shifted in his chair. "So the first piece of advice is, accept that you are human. The second piece you might find a bit harder to do." Roy regarded him curiously.

Neil looked back at him earnestly. "When someone messes up, we have a process called repentance that can get things back where they need to be. A lot of people think that repentance is just feeling bad for what you've done, but that's just the first step – recognition of the wrong thing. After that, of course, there's not doing it again. Makes sense, right?" Roy nodded. "Then there's confessing the wrong, without making excuses or rationalizing – which you just did." Neil sighed and sat back in his chair, "And then there's making up for the wrong thing – some people call it restitution or repayment."

Roy could see why Neil had warned him this might be hard. How could he possibly make a repayment of the wrong he had done to Joanne by betraying her trust and ignoring his promises to be faithful to her and no one else? His voice sounded harsh in his own ears, "How can I do that? I don't know how."

"You have small children at home," Neil said and Roy acknowledged it. "Your wife is probably tired much of the time, and things maybe aren't very…romantic…right now."

Roy said, "Yeah….but that's no excuse…"

"I'm not making excuses; I'm explaining the situation so you will be able to understand why you need to do some things you haven't been doing. But first, do you love her, Joanne, your wife?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Okay, then. She needs courting."

"Courting? What do you mean?"

"I mean, she needs to go on dates with you; regular dates. And she needs to get some decent sleep, so she may need to get away for a few days overnight, and not just once. It's pretty hard to feel romantic when you're exhausted. She also needs to have you treat her as if she is desirable. Buy her flowers, write her a love note; court her. What does she really like that you do for her?"

"She really likes it when I rub her back. It sometimes gets sore, probably from carrying around the kids or doing all that laundry."

"Then do that. Every night you are home, make it part of your routine."

Roy considered the advice Neil was giving him. He felt that he could do those things. Getting her away for a couple of nights might be more difficult to arrange, but maybe her mother or sister would come, and they could both take off…that sounded attractive. The notes, flowers, back rubs, they were pretty straight forward. He then asked what he felt was the big burning question; "Should I tell her?"

"Tell her that you were tempted and were in contact with another woman? There are different schools of thought on that one, and I'll tell you what I think, but first I need to ask you a couple of questions."

"Sure."

"Does she know or suspect that you might have something going on with this woman?"

"Uh, maybe." He cringed as he remembered Joanne questioning him while they sat in the car that last day before his accident.

"Has anyone else seen you two together?"

"Again, maybe. We were so wrapped up in each other that it's possible." Ouch, that hurt to admit.

"Last question. If the position were reversed, would you want to find out from her, or from someone else?"

If the position were reversed…if Joanne had been seeing someone behind his back, kissing that someone passionately, considering sleeping with that person…he was horrified. She would never do that! _She probably felt that you would never do that, either_, his conscience argued. He felt ill even considering the possibility of her with someone else. What must she be feeling? If she suspected that he was seeing this woman, would she be thinking he'd already…no, he had to tell her, and the truth, as bad as it was, wasn't as bad as she was probably thinking it was.

"I need to tell her."

"So, I don't need to give you my advice on that one," Neil smiled.

"What would your advice be?"

"To tell her." They both grinned. Neil explained, "I believe that confessing the wrong breaks its hold on you – otherwise you remain emotionally chained to the secret, and it can drag you down, either by affecting your self-esteem or by enabling you to rationalize your behaviour. It's hard, but it's the only way to get free again."

Roy took a deep breath, and this one actually felt good, almost cleansing somehow. "I believe I can do this."

"I know you can. Despite this thing with another woman, Roy, I believe you are a good person. And I believe that if you work at it, you can be the person you felt you were before all this happened. Maybe even better." He stood up, and Roy also rose to his feet. "It's been great meeting you, Roy. I hope I see you again."

Roy shook his outstretched hand. "I think you will, Neil. Thanks."


	6. Chapter 6

Flirting with Danger part 6

Roy made a plan. He would arrange for Joanne's sister to come and stay with the kids for a couple of days while he and Joanne took off somewhere. He would start right away with the back rubs, and maybe some flowers…

At first Joanne was rather suspicious of Roy's changed behaviour, but he told her that it was a plan that he and Neil had come up with together to help him get that change of perspective she had been talking about, and she seemed satisfied with the explanation.

At the end of the week, Joanne's sister arrived with her two kids, and Roy asked her to pack up an overnight bag for him and Joanne. He had booked a hotel downtown – not too far away, because it wasn't the place that mattered so much as the opportunity to be alone together. They had dinner in the restaurant of the hotel, Joanne wearing a lovely new green dress that brought out the colour of her eyes, and Roy in a pale blue shirt, tie and blazer. His sling was packed, just in case, but he didn't intend to use it.

As the waitress lit the candle on their table, Joanne smiled at her husband. "I am really liking this new perspective of yours." He smiled back at her, but he was starting to feel a bit nervous. This evening, at some point, he would be telling her about Susan….and he honestly had no idea how she would react, despite all their years together.

They both ordered the steak; Joanne cut it up for him because of his arm, and they smiled at each other in rueful appreciation of the situation. The owner of the restaurant stopped by while they were eating, to see if they were enjoying themselves. "Yes, everything is perfect," said Joanne. Roy nodded and smiled, but he wondered if his idea was a good one after all. Would she feel cheated of this nice experience if he told her tonight? Maybe he should let it go…

They went for a walk in the moonlight, and Joanne clung to his side. He leaned on her instead of his cane, and felt her support in the arm that was wrapped around his waist, gently lifting him. Suddenly, it felt to him as if he was lying to her by walking with her like this while holding onto his secret, and he said, "Let's go back to our room, honey." She smiled with anticipation, thinking that this was the reason for their getaway – quality time together without any children to disrupt them. Roy stifled a sigh – would she still want to be close when he told her? Could she ever forgive him?

In their room, Joanne said, "I'll just go to the bathroom, and…"

Roy shook his head 'no'. "Please don't go yet, Jo. I have something I really want to say to you." She looked at him, confused. "I just want you to come and sit with me, here." He patted the bed.

"This is part of that perspective thing?" she asked as she sat down beside him. He nodded. "Okay…."she said.

"Joanne, a while ago something happened."

This time she nodded, "Yeah, I've been aware for a while that something was going on with you."

He felt a twinge of fear. "What do you mean?"

Joanne sighed. "How many years have I known you? How many years have we been together? I do know when something has changed, you know."

Again he asked, "What do you know?" His heart was in his throat.

"I don't consider myself to be a stupid person, Roy. I may be overtired, but I pay attention. I decided that I couldn't do anything about whatever is going on until you were ready, and so I'll just carry on the best way I can." She didn't look at him, and he just waited for her to continue.

Finally, she turned toward him and elaborated, "You were taking off by yourself a lot when you were home. You mentioned a rescue that bothered you. We met a gorgeous woman in the park who seemed very interested in you. After you got injured, you met with our minister." She looked him in the eyes. "I didn't put it all together right away, and I'm not sure I want to even now, but if you have something you want to say, well, then, you're right, now is a good time."

He took a deep breath. "That woman…."

"Susan St John."

He was surprised and not a little shocked that Joanne had remembered her name. "Uh, yeah…"

"What about her?"she asked.

Roy wondered at this woman sitting beside him. He suddenly felt like he didn't really know her as well as he had believed. She obviously knew a lot but had stoically chosen to hold everything close until he was ready – there was strength within her of which he hadn't been aware.

"She was the woman in the rescue I told you about."

"The one that bothered you." Again he nodded. "Go on."

"She, uh, she…"

His wife took over, "She thought you were very kind and probably wished she knew you better."

It felt like he was just nodding while Joanne put the pieces together. He corroborated, "Yes, she did. So she started calling me all the time. Even at the hospital. And…"

Joanne closed her eyes. Roy looked at her with trepidation – what was she thinking? After a moment she opened her eyes again, looked at him directly and asked with all the courage at her command, "Are you in love with her?"

He was totally taken aback by the question. "Uh, no, actually, no…" he trailed off, the realization hitting him at the same time as he said the words; he was not in love with Susan. It was all chemical and nothing more. He almost laughed in relief. "No, Joanne, I really don't love anyone but you." It was like coming out from behind a dark rain cloud into the bright sunshine. "I only love you." He felt as if he had just been released from some prison he didn't even know he was in.

Although she could see all this as it appeared on his face, as he reached for her, she stopped him. "Wait." Uh, oh. His heart fell. "I need to know," she declared.

"Anything, Jo; no more secrets."

"Did you meet her?"

His voice was barely audible as he said, "Yes."

"More than once?" He nodded. Joanne steeled herself to ask the next question – the one she didn't want to know, but had to know if she was going to continue living with this man. "Were you intimate with her?"

Roy hesitated. He hadn't slept with her, but things had gotten pretty intense. Joanne's eyes got wide as he didn't answer right away. She started to breathe faster, and fear rose on her face. He saw her reaction and said, "No, no, sweetheart! I didn't…we didn't….I wouldn't…"

Her suspicions were aroused. "Wouldn't what, Roy? Didn't what?"

"I didn't sleep with her."

"But something happened between you." She stated it as a fact.

Slowly, he nodded, "Yeah. We, uh, we kissed."

"Just kissed?"

"A bit more than that."

Her chin started to quiver and her eyes started to fill with tears. She turned away from him, and he reached out to her, "Joanne, honey…"

She rose and walked away from him, saying, "Don't touch me, Roy. Not now." He stayed where he was, and watched her as she went over to the window, noticing her chest rising and falling quickly, her hands balling into fists…

"What were you thinking?" she spoke so quietly that he could barely hear her.

"I wasn't thinking, Jo."

She nodded in agreement and then continued, "I thought I knew you, Roy, but the man I thought I knew could never have done this. So who are you?" She turned to look at him, and the sorrow and pain in her eyes nearly made him cry.

"I don't know myself, anymore. But I know the man I want to be. And that's your husband, Joanne. I don't want anyone else but you."

"Except for sex, maybe? Me for the kids and the home, Miss St John for the roll in the hay?"

It hurt, a lot, to have her say that, but she was justified. "Not even for that. I can't explain it, really, and I've tried to make sense of it – the only thing I can tell you is that I was attracted to her physically, and she was to me, and it was very flattering…"

"I'm sure it was." She sighed, deeply. "Oh, Roy."

"Yeah?" he asked nervously.

"Have you broken it off with her?"

"Yeah, the last time I saw her was before my accident."

"Is that because you ended it, or because she just didn't come around anymore when you got hurt?"

"I told her I wouldn't see her anymore."

Joanne was silent, and stood at the window, looking out with unseeing eyes. After a very long minute, she turned to him again. "How can I trust that what you're telling me is true?"

"What do you mean?"

"You've lied to me, Roy, by your actions if not in actual words. How can I believe in you? How can I believe in us?" She began pacing with her arms folded tightly across her chest, as if she was protecting her heart. Her voice rose. "Did you think about me, about us, your family, at all?"

Without giving him time to answer, she continued, "Behind my back, Roy! While I was waiting for you at home! I've invested so many years in us…so many nights praying that you would be safe, so many days planning what I could do to make you happy. I've spent most of my life waiting for you and the first opportunity that comes you're off sneaking around with another woman." She stood in front of him, while he sat on the bed. "That's what this is, isn't it? The flowers, the hotel – you're trying to appease your guilty conscience!"

Roy replied quietly, "I'm trying to make it up to you."

"Am I part of some checklist then that you and Reverend Neil cooked up between you?"

"No, never! I screwed up – and as much as I'd like to erase the past, I can't. The only thing I can do is tell you I am so very sorry and I will do my very best to never let anything like this happen again. And that I love you and I want to…"

She interrupted him, "You know what I miss, Roy? We used to be friends. I feel like I've not only lost my husband and my lover – I've lost my closest friend. Do friends treat each other like this? You say you love me – do lovers do this to someone they love?"

"No, please, Jo, don't say that. I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to win your trust again."

Joanne was silent for a moment; then she said wistfully, "I know I'm not beautiful or sexy…"

Roy interjected, "You are to me!"

"…and I know it's not fun at home right now."

"I don't care about that! We can get through this Jo! We have to." The desperation in his voice was evident.

Joanne sighed and sat down again beside him. "I guess I need to get to know you."

Roy nodded, "Give me another chance to be that best friend again."

Joanne relaxed her stiff protective shell the tiniest bit, and leaned into him tentatively. "Roy, I am so afraid."

Roy wrapped his arms around her, and whispered, "I'm right here. And I'm not going anywhere else. Ever."

Her tears finally began to fall, and he held her close.

* * *

><p>Roy went back to work several weeks later. Johnny was really glad to see him, especially after having spent almost two months with a series of temporary partners, and planned a guys' night out in celebration. "Sorry, Johnny, I can't," Roy said as he did up his uniform shirt.<p>

'Why not? It's been, like, forever since we just hung out. C'mon, Roy, it'll be fun!"

"Yeah, I know, but I'm not available."

"What's up?"

"Well, if you must know, I've got a hot date."

"You've got a _what_?"

"A hot date, with a very beautiful woman."

As usual, Chet's timing was impeccable, as he entered the room and caught the last comment. "You, Roy? No way! Is it that chick who kept calling for you all those times before you got injured?"

Johnny scoffed, "C'mon, get real, Chet. Roy's a married man. He doesn't have a hot date; he's just yankin' us around."

"Well, you're both wrong," said Roy as he firmly closed his locker door.

"So, who's this beautiful woman you're talking about?" asked Chet. "That nurse that was interested in you at Rampart?"

Roy smiled enigmatically, and left the room. The two men followed him out, rapt with curiosity. He went and got himself a coffee and sat down at the kitchen table. "All right, Roy. You can't do this to us. Who's your date?" demanded Chet.

"A gorgeous woman with the most incredible eyes. She's very sweet, and she wants to get to know me better."

"Aw, man, he's just pulling your leg, Chet. Y'know, Roy, if you don't want to hang out with me, just say so."

"I do want to hang out with you, Johnny; it's just that this date is very important to me." Roy smiled at the other two men. "And I'm planning on having a lot more of them, so my schedule is going to be pretty tight." Their baffled expressions finally broke through his resistance, and he said, "The truth?"

"Well, heck, yeah!'

"I'm seeing my wife. We're dating."

"That's nuts, Roy. You live with her."

"So what? A nice dinner, a romantic movie - it does wonders for a relationship, you'd be surprised."

"You're crazy. He's crazy," John commented to Chet. Captain Stanley wandered into the room, and Johnny asked him, "Don't you think Roy's crazy, Cap? He says he's dating his wife."

"Is that right? Well, John, I actually think that sounds like a very good thing to do. I don't think he's crazy, I think he's very smart." He raised his coffee cup in a salute to Roy. "Good job, Roy. I hope you have a wonderful time."

Roy smiled, "I'm sure I will."

"Waste of time," muttered Chet under his breath, "he's already married to her."

"Spoken like a true bachelor, Chester B," said Cap. He and Roy smiled at each other with complete understanding, while Johnny and Chet looked at them, baffled.

End

9


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